remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
