There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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