So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
