Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
