Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
