I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
