found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
