my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
