I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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