someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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