You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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