Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
