Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
