i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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