More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
