in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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