i wish there were pregnant emoticons
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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