She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
