it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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