Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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