Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize