i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize