One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
