So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
