Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
