im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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