last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
