Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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