Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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