Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
