woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
