Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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