1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
