She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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