Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize