I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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