I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
