Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
