Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You peed on a flamingo?!?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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