i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
