I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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