this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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