You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
