You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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