Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
