she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
