The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
