You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
