i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
