kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
