this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
