Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
