I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
