How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I faked an abortion last night.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
