I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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