my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
