Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize