she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
