Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I think I sprained my soul last night
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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